Sunday Silliness

A priest was visiting his local doctor's office when a nun came rushing out, screaming. When he went in to see his doctor, he asked, "As I was coming in I met a nun running away in great distress. Is she alright?"
"Oh, yes," smiled the doctor, "I've just told her that she's pregnant."
"And is she?"
"No," replied the doctor, "but it's cured her hiccups."


A little boy asked his mother why the minister got four weeks of vacation a year, while his dad only had two weeks. His mother answered, "Well, if he's a good preacher, he needs it. If he isn't, the congregation needs it."

How are those New Year's resolutions coming?
We all chuckle at not keeping New Year’s Resolutions but as you’ll see from some of these, a lack of self-control can really hurt you.

Here’s a look at someone’s New Year’s resolutions down through the years.

RESOLUTION #1:

2007: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
2008: I will read at least 10 books a year.
2009: I will read 5 books a year.
2010: I will finish The Pelican Brief
2011: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
2012: I will read at least one article this year.
2013: I will try and finish the comics section this year.

RESOLUTION #2:

2007: I will get my weight down below 180.
2008: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
2009: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
2010: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2011: I will work out 5 days a week.
2012: I will work out 3 days a week.
2013: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

RESOLUTION #3:

2007: I will not spend my money frivolously.
2008: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
2009: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
2010: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt.
2011: I will be totally out of debt by 2011.
2012: I will try to pay off the debt interest by 2012.
2013: I will am planning to leave the country.

RESOLUTION #4:

2010: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.
2011: I will not leave Marge.
2012: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge.
2013: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.

RESOLUTION #5:

2010: I will stop looking at other women.
2011: I will not get involved with Wanda.
2012: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage.
2013: I will stop looking at other women.

RESOLUTION #6:

2010: I will not let my boss push me around.
2011: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.
2012: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.
2013: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.

RESOLUTION #7:

2010: I will not get upset when Charlie makes jokes about my baldness.
2011: I will not get annoyed when Charlie kids me about my toupee.
2012: I will not get angry when Charlie tells the guys I wear a girdle.
2013: I will not speak to Charlie.

RESOLUTION #8:

2010: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.
2011: I will not touch the bottle before noon.
2012: I will not become a "problem drinker".
2013: I will not miss any AA meetings.

RESOLUTION #9:

2010: I will see my dentist this year.
2011: I will have my cavities filled this year.
2012: I will have my root canal work done this year.
2013: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.

RESOLUTION #10:

2010: I will go to church every Sunday.
2011: I will go to church as often as possible.
2012: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.
2013: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.

If cats wore t-shirts, here is what they might say.

"Purrfection cannot be improved"

"If you don't like my attitude, you should see my cat"

"Menopaws, This is the hottest I've been in years."

"Take my advice. I'm not using it."

"I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?"

"Cats know how we feel. They don't care, but they know."

"Dogs have owners. Cats have staff."

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. They have never forgotten this."