Sunday Silliness

My two-year-old daughter, Paige, was with her mother while her older sister was being examined by a dentist. Paige kept herself busy playing with toys in the waiting room until she noticed that her mom was resting, her eyes closed.

With about six other patients waiting, Paige marched up to her mother, looked her straight in the face and shook her shoulder.

"Mommy," she yelled, "wake up! This is not church!"

My wife, Lani, woke from her doze to the sound of other patients laughing.

Tips For Student Pilots 1.  Takeoffs are optional.  Landings are mandatory. 2.  If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger.  If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. 3.  Flying isn't dangerous.  Crashing is dangerous. 4.  It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here. 5.  The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire. 6.  The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool.  When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating. 7.  When in doubt, hold on to your altitude.  No one has ever collided with the sky. 8.  A "good" landing is one from which you can walk away.  A "great" landing is one after which they can use the plane again. 9.  Learn from the mistakes of others.  You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself. 10.  You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp. 11.  The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival.  Large angle of arrival equals a small probability of survival -- and vice versa. 12.  Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier. 13.  Stay out of clouds.  The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. 14.  Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds. 15.  There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. 16.  You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience.  The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck. 17.  Keep looking around.  There's always something you've missed. 18.  If all you can see out of the windscreen is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be. 19.  In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose. 20.  Good judgment comes from experience.  Unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad judgment. 21.  It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible. 22.  There are old pilots and there are bold pilots.  There are, however, no old, bold pilots. 23.  Remember, gravity is not just a good idea.  It's the law.  And it's not subject to repeal. 24.  Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of takeoffs you've made. 25.  The three most useless things to a pilot are altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago. And a bonus tip: Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them. Why Teachers Go Gray These are reported to be actual test answers from various schools in the Huntsville, Alabama metropolitan area: Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. Q: What is a planet? A: A body of earth surrounded by sky. Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on? A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed. Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death. Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow. Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U. Q: What is the fibula? A: A small lie. Q: What does "varicose" mean? A: Nearby. Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section." A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome. Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor. Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport. Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning. A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. Q: What does the word "benign" mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight. Q: What is a turbine? A: Something an Arab wears on his head. Q: What is a Hindu? A: It lays eggs. One day a man drove his secretary home after she fell quite ill at work.  Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily. Later, that night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat.  Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.  With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot.  That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat. "Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?" Battling Salons A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established hair cutters' place. They put up a big bold sign which read: "WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!" Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign: "WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS"