Sunday Silliness

One day at an old country church, there was to be a double sermon. First, there was a young preacher boy that would preach his first sermon. After him, an old veteran preacher that was well respected in the comunity was to preach.

All of the "pre-preaching" things took place. There was good singing and nice specials among other things. These all went very well.

Well, as the time for the young preacher to preach came closer, he realized something very dreadful. He leaned over to the old preacher who was sitting next to him and said, "I forgot my Bible, and all of my notes are in it!"

The veteran preacher seemed cool and calm as he replied, "Don't worry son, God will provide. Here, use my Bible. Just speak what's on your heart, and I'm sure God will bless it."

The young man hesitantly took the old Bible, and made his way to the pulpit. Well, this preacher just started preaching away, and had a great time doing it too. The sermon he preached was so great, that at the end when there was an alter call, nearly the entire church came forward. The boy was relieved as he left the pulpit and made his way to his seat.

During the message, the old preacher started to listen to the sermon closely, as it seemed very familiar. After a few minutes, he realized what had happened. The young preacher found the notes that he was going to use for the sermon that he was about to preach. He got very nervous as the boy came down to him. "Now what am I going to do?"

The young preacher calmly said, "Don't worry. God will provide!"

A real-estate agent was driving around with a trainee when she saw a charming little farmhouse with a hand-lettered "For Sale" sign out front.

After briskly introducing herself and her associate to the startled occupant, the agent cruised from room to room, opening closets and cupboards, testing faucets and pointing out where a "new light fixture here and a little paint there" would help. Pleased with her assertiveness, the woman was hopeful that the owner would offer her the listing.

"Ma'am," the man said, "I appreciate the home-improvement tips and all, but I think you read my sign wrong. It says, "HORSE for sale."

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her warm milk to drink, but she refused it. One nun took the glass back to the kitchen.

Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey the nuns had received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

The nun took the glass back to Mother Superior's bedside, and held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had downed the whole glass, down to the last drop.

"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "please give us some wisdom before you die."

Mother Superior slowly raised her head, and with a pious look on her face whispered, "Don't sell that cow"

"I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop, "we don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?"

Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone." 

A convict managed to escape from prison, and his escape was the lead item on the six o'clock news. 

So not to be captured, he ran through fields and traveled through back roads; until he finally reached his wife's house. 

When he reached the house, he rang the bell, his wife opened the door and screamed, "You lousy bum! Where have you been? You escaped more than six hours ago!"

Grandma, who appeared to become an ever-more intimidating personality as the years went on, was giving directions to her grown grandson who was coming to visit with his wife:

"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?" the grandson asked.

"You're coming empty handed ... ?" she asked?

After a particularly poor round of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?" 

"Yes," the golfer responded. 

"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" 

"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.

"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded...

"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."