An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament."Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me. Love, Dad." A few days later he received a letter from his son… "Dear Dad, Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where I buried the bodies. Love, Vinnie." At 4:00 AM the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. The next day the old man received another letter from his son. "Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you, Vinnie."

Finding Jesus An old Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, hereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!" The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, me brother?" The drunk answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!" By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?" The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

A reporter was interviewing an 104-year-old woman: ‘And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?’ She simply replied, ‘No peer pressure.’

An Old man went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg. “I am afraid it’s just old age”, replied the doctor, “there is nothing we can do about it.” “That can’t be” fumed the old man, “you don’t know what you are doing.” “How can you possibly know I am wrong?” countered the doctor. “Well it’s quite obvious,” the old man replied, “my other leg is fine, and it’s the exact same age!”

In his Sunday sermon, the minister used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After the sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied, he harangued the congregation for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen more minutes and repeated his question. All responded except one elderly gentleman in the rear. "Mr. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," the old fellow replied.

"Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-six."

"Mr. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a man can live to be ninety-six and not have an enemy in the world."

The old man teetered down the aisle, slowly turned to face the congregation, and said, "I just outlived all the rascals."

I was visiting friends yesterday and asked if I could borrow a newspaper. They teased me about being old school, handed me an iPad, and said use this. They were so right. That roach never had any idea what hit it! Modern technology is grand!

Flower puns for Spring:

What does one call a country where people only drive pink cars? A pink carnation!

What did the doctor say after she gave her patient a shot? I hope thistle make you feel better!

How did the dictator gain control? He rose to power!

How did the dieter avoid eating the donuts? She kept her tulips together!

What does the letter A have in common with a flower? Both are followed by bees!