Sunday Sillies

Cowboys have long seem to have computer logic 150 years before semi-conductors were invented. One can find these modern terms in the notes taken during trail drives and taming the wild west:

Log On:...... building camp fire around the chuckwagon.
Log Off:.......removing the log as it was time to move down the trail.
Monitor:.......Keepin' an eye out on the cattle
Download:....Taking the bullets out of your six shooter often shoot'em at something
Up Load reload: Putting a fresh bullet make into the revolver
Mega Hertz:... That pain you feel landing on your bottom breakin' horses.
Hard Drive:.......Gettin' home in the winter season.
Prompt:........Getting some where on time.
Windows:......What you shut when it's below 15 below zero.
Screen:........What 'cha need for the black fly season.
Byte:............What them darn mosquitoes, rattlesnakes and flies do.
Chip:............What you never want to step in.
Backup........ What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
Bar Code... Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
Bug............. Something you got when sick
Cache .........Needed to pay the bartender at the end of trail drive
Crash......... What you did wrestling steers to brand
Digital...........The art of counting on your fingers
Hacker..........What you got after smoking 40 years
Hardcopy......Wanted Poster at the Sheriff's office
Keyboard......Where the Sheriff kept the keys to the jail cell
Modem..........What ya do when the grass gets too high
Online...........Keeping the herd moving in one direction
ROM.............What you drank when there was no Whiskey
Superconductor....Them guys asking Tickets please on the Iron Horse
SCSI..............What you call your week-old underwear
Micro Chip:....What was left of the corn biscuits after breakfast
Dot Matrix:.....Fancy trick shooter at that county fair.
Lap Top:........Where the little kids sat while you told them stories about the trail.
Software: .......Puttin some cotton on as wool was itchy
Mouse:...........Darn critter eating the grain
Main Frame:...that's what held up the barn roof.
Port:................Some Fancy wine.
Enter:..............C'mon in.
Twitter............Them birds singing from the brush
Facebook.......Sheriff's book of wanted posters
Myspace.........three feet around you in the bar.

Yep, cowboys had computer logic long before computers and since the fire is gett'n little warm, I'm logging off.

*Mind Games for Dogs*

1. After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU!

Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your human's bedtime.

2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)

3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.

4. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo'. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.

5. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.

6. Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.

7. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).

8. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

Cat's guide to caring for your human.*

Cats are beautiful, sophisticated, intelligent creatures. And with a little love and caring, they can keep a human being alive for upwards of seventy to eighty years. If you follow these simple instructions, you can have your human house trained in no time.

CLEANLINESS: For some reasons, humans seem to enjoy immersing themselves in running water. Attempts to get humans to lick themselves clean have proven interesting, if unproductive.

COMMUNICATION: Humans are unable to speak a proper language. Therefore, you should communicate a point loudly, repeatedly, and if at all possible, at about three in the morning. Any attempts at human-to-cat communication can be dealt with by simply ignoring it until it stops.

FEEDING: Morning feeding should start promptly when your human is fast asleep, preferably three or four minutes before the alarm is supposed to go off. Recommended methods of waking your human include: sitting on its face, screaming in its ear, and biting its hair.

MATING: Human mating behavior is fascinating. Unfortunately, humans tend to get easily spooked by prolonged study of courtship rituals, and resort to shoe-throwing behavior.

TOILET TRAINING: A human's natural tendency is to not change your litter box. Although experts in human behavior believe it can be attributed to the "laziness reflex," this can be easily corrected through what is called "shoe therapy." Just remember that a human shoe looks a lot like a human toilet, and you should be fine.

Following these simple tips is the first step towards a long and productive cat/human relationship.

A Texan's Guide to Life
Don't squat with your spurs on.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him... The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacca.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

Investment Definitions:
STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.

BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions.
Please note the first five letters of this word spell "Broke".

BEAR: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.

BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.

SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. "The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I'm a little short this month.").

and my favorite...

COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.

A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd.

The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull. She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull.

"It's the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it."

She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says 'Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer'."

The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $.75 per word."

She thinks about it for a moment and says with her last dollar. "I'd like to send one word, please."

"And what word would that be?" inquires the man.

"Comfortable," replies the brunette.

The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but how is your friend gonna understand this telegram?"

The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow, when she gets this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL."

A mother called her son one Sunday morning, to get out of bed and get ready for Church.

He replied "I'm not going."

His mother said "Yes you are going, so get out of that bed!"

The son replied "Give me ONE good reason why I should go."

The Mother said, "I'll give you THREE good reasons...

1. I'm your mother, and I say you're going.

2. You're 40 years old, so old enough to know better.

3. You're the Pastor, so you need to be there."