Sunday Silliness

As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch near Snowflake. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.
For fifty years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.
Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. "My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained.
"She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."
Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice.
"What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.
"Oh, that's the money I made selling the doilies."

Tom, a buddy of mine, is a recently divorced police officer and new to the dating scene. He was telling me about a recent date. He was thrilled but slightly intimidated to be dating a lovely woman with a young daughter.
Tom didn't have any experience with parenting and was worried about messing up. One evening, as he was putting her into her safety seat the little girl shocked him by asking, "Do you and mommy kiss?"
Stalling for time, he looked to her mother for clues, then stammered, "Uh, well, uh, why do you ask, honey?" to which the little angel replied, with her nose crinkled in disgust, "Mommy and BOB do!"

A 10-year old boy named Freddie wanted to be Joseph in the Sunday School pageant. Instead the teacher cast Freddie as the landlord. Freddie objected loudly, but to no avail.
When the pageant was presented, Mary and Joseph knocked on the door and asked Freddie if he had a room for them at the Inn in Bethlehem.
Freddie with a touch of revenge in his little heart smiled and said, "Sure -- lots of room. Come on in!"

Todd's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Todd replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.
"Hey, wait a minute!" Todd interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."
In a related note, Todd is feeling much better and and expects to be released from the hospital soon.

A wise kindergarten schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school:
"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home."

A friend of mine was taking her 5 year old son to McDonald's one afternoon. They passed a car accident. She explained that usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."
From the back seat she heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
Thankfully that didn't cause a second wreck!

On their way to get married, a young couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The two found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates, waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left. 
The couple sat and waited for an answer for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered. "Are we stuck together forever?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard to the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?"

Walking through the hallways at the middle school, an experienced teacher saw a new substitute teacher standing outside his classroom with his forehead against a locker.
She heard him mutter, "How did you get yourself into this?"
Knowing that he was assigned to a difficult class, she tried to offer moral support.
"Are you okay?" she asked as she put her hand on his shoulder. "Can I help?"
He lifted his head and replied, "I'll be fine as soon as I get this kid out of his locker."